*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
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🤣dope
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Just so funny
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?