accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
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Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
much to think about
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I think we should hear other voices.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”