Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
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As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
this is funnier than any friends episode
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.