Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
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Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin