Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance


My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.


Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.


Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.


Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order


[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*

*leaves it*


Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.


Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?


The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.


Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade