Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
pizza
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
😂😂
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.