Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
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therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
True
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”