According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
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Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me