GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
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Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?