According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
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I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time