Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
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Waiter: black pepper?
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?