@AmishSuperModel
@chloethesiren Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
You Might Also Like
@chloethesiren 
@T_N_Crumpets Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
@itsBABYSMITH i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
@stephaniemain2 Omg 🤣
@neiltyson Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
@KalynnBayron Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
@felixoshea It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
@copymama Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
@stewnami They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
@bewgtweets Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?