@AmishSuperModel

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

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@Reverend_Scott

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

@kelkulus

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

@JohnHilsen

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

@sidneelyn

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

@weinerdog4life

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

@peterjames48

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

@Elizasoul80

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?