@AmishSuperModel
@Reverend_Scott GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
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@Reverend_Scott 
@kelkulus Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
@JohnHilsen Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
@sidneelyn there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
@weinerdog4life If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
@DothTheDoth Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
@peterjames48 “PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
@Elizasoul80 Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
@Brampersandon_ WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?