According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
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Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
everyone’s a critic
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.