According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
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Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes