According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

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Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”


Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?


[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.


there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win


I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.


[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…


Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.


If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.


Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister