According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
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Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this