According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
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*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously