@Smooheed

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

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@reczit

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

@Prof_Hinkley

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

@KimmyMonte

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

@badbanana

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

@PLATINUM2000

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

@JennyJohnsonHi5

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

@TheCiscoKidder

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

@slickdickson

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.