According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
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If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings