@reczit Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
@Smooheed According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
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@reczit 
@Prof_Hinkley [emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
@KimmyMonte Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
@badbanana North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
@PLATINUM2000 [Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
@JennyJohnsonHi5 According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
@ThisOneSayz Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
@TheCiscoKidder Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
@causticbob Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
@slickdickson I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.