According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
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[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!