@mrtruthandsoul

According to math, I’m broke

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@OhDuarte

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

@Aspersioncast

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

@Moi_RaRa

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

@skittle624

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

@WilliamAder

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

@ACartoonCat

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”