According to math, I’m broke

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My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.


I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.


Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.


I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.


It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.


I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.


Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”


Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.


Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”