According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
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Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Happy Caturday!
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..