According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
saw this in a dream
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.