Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Put my back out twerking in the library again

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

I love you…

…r dog.

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)