According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
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[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”