According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
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Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.