According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
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If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]