According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
You Might Also Like
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
i think my razor is having a panic attack
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
need him
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*