According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.