according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
#dnd #ttrpg
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system