According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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Good morning
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Sharon I have some bad news
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.