According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3