According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
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When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.