According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
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Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
…..pretty much.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses