According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
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The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs
[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: no thank you.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.