According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
you have three unread messages
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Safety first
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My god she’s good.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race