According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
Florida man
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……