According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.