According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
You Might Also Like
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman