According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
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“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.