According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“I FIXED IT!”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Spa day..😅
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’