According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
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The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
12. I think about this all the damn time
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…