According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
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Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
What personal space?
My dog
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.