According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

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her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam


So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”


Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.


Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business


When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first


Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you


11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …


Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.


JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film