According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
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Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Just ordered me some pizza!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑