According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
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The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
What
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?