According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.