“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
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“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Only short people can save us
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
good morning
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!