ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
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—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.