accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth