Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
You Might Also Like
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’