accurate
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Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
somebody come look at this
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
birds and squirrels envy us
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”