Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky