Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
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me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
*orders delivery*
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
okay run it by me one more time
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.