Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
You Might Also Like
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
That’s enough internet for the day
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”