ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
You Might Also Like
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.