acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
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I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.