ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
tell em, edith-anne
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Its true…
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”