ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
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If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Worth remembering.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.